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Thursday
Feb242011

Aliens who couldn't hack it on earth

While Simon Pegg and Nick Frost's ace new film Paul received a bit of an undeserved shoulder-shrug from critics, audiences loved it, making it the biggest opening of the year so far. Its star, CGI alien Paul, was pretty au fait with life on earth. But many that came before him weren't so savvy...

1. ET from ET

First off, let's get one thing straight: ET was a prick. Yep, that's right, a prick. Walking around, jabbing his stupid glowing finger at people. If that was his finger; for all we know it could have been his cock. Also, all that sitting in a little basket and making it fly like some kind of Yoda wannabe was pretty annoying, too. Anyway, he couldn't hack life on earth, so much so that he nearly died, then cried to his mates to come and get him, breaking not one, not two but three little kids' hearts in the process. As we said, twat.

2. The aliens from Independence Day
OK, to be fair, these guys did make a pretty good attempt at destroying the world. However, anyone who is defeated by Jeff Goldblum and the fat bloke from National Lampoon's a) needs to ask themselves some serious questions and b) doesn't deserve to wipe out the human race. And don't even get us started on their IT security… hadn't they heard of a firewall? That's what happens when you install PCs on spaceships.

3. The killer clowns from Killer Klowns from Outer Space
What? You don't think Killer Klowns from Outer Space is a real film? Well, it is. And it's probably the best film you'll ever see. Any movie that features a final showdown in which the hero takes out a giant clown called Klownzilla by stabbing it with a police badge in its big red nose can't be bad, can it? Well, OK – it could be.

4. The aliens from War of the Worlds
Tom Cruise may be more famous than water and is definitely a bit mental but we all know he has made some good films. This one contains another example of a completely botched invasion by an evil alien horde and an important message for any intergalactic race that's planning something similar: if you're going to invade earth, do your fucking homework and pack some Lemsip. You know, just in case you catch a cold and everyone dies. Just saying.

5. The aliens from Signs
More bad preparation here. Aliens: before you try to invade anywhere, earth or otherwise, please at least read a book or put a DVD on. If these gangly extra-terrestrials had even bothered to stick on War of the Worlds before they set off they could have learned some valuable lessons. But they clearly didn't. Instead, they were probably having this kind of chat about their impending invasion:

Alien 1 “What's this water business all about then?”
Alien 2 “Water? It's bollocks mate. Don't worry about it."
Alien 1 “OK, if you're sure."
Alien 2 “I am sure. Right, let's go and smash Mel Gibson's racist face in."

Actually, that last bit's made up... Alien 2 had nothing but respect for Gibson.

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[...] can’t fail when a cigarette-obsessed foul-mouthed extra-terrestrial is thrown into the mix. Click here to read our list of aliens who weren’t quite as good as Paul at dealing with life on [...]

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